The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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