Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As shirtless as possible
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
