I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize