Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
