If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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