Umm I'm too high to move.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
