You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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