I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
