Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
