I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
