my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
