Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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