nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
