The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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