It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
