Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
