just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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