return my video game
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
