he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
