just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
