nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
