I could have mohawked her pubes.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
