Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize