so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Please, let me fuck your mom
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
