my being single is dangerous.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
