My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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