my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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