Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
