my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize