He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
