The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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