took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
