I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
