I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
