Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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