Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
