Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
