The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize