booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
