I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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