You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
