If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
