I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
