At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
