pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize