i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
