My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
