If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
