You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Bring me that man meat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
