note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We need to rekindle our bromance
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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