I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
