You just made me feel so damn special
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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