in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We are two peas in an std pod
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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