she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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