I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
