you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
