i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
