some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
