i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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