I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
